The Brady Bunch, Bin Laden, and the Vegan Terrorist

April 21, 2009

I hardly know where to begin, but let’s start here.

I admit it. I used to watch The Brady Bunch when I was a kid, and I often wonder how much smarter I’d be today if I wasn’t exposed to that brain rot as a child. I’ve got the sense it probably had a comparable effect on my development as a mother smoking crack while pregnant. But anyway, I digress.

The show began with a classic intro that just about everyone in America over 20 has seen. Three pretty Brady girls, three handsome Brady boys, and then the proud mom and dad Brady all occupying squares on the screen like it’s Brady bingo. But then, in the center, there’s Alice — the damned maid. What the hell was she doing there? She wasn’t a Brady! And worse yet, she was sleeping with the local butcher. I’d be five years old and yelling at the TV for her to get her ass off the screen.

Anyway, this leads up to today’s FBI announcement that the agency has just added some vegan animal rights guy to their most wanted terrorist list. The agency’s offering a quarter of a million dollars for info leading to the capture of Daniel Andreas San Diego. The guy’s accused of detonating three bombs at two companies that had been associated with animal testing.

If he in fact carried out these bombings, this is serious, serious stuff — and I’d be the first person to say he needs to spend some quality time at the nearest federal prison. But — and I’m not in any way defending what he’s accused of doing — not a single person was hurt during these bombings. Which tells me that whoever detonated those bombs did so solely for purposes of property destruction, and went out of his or her way to ensure that no people would be present when the bombs exploded.

So what we’ve got is property destruction and, at the very most, reckless endangerment. Is that what we as a society want to label terrorism? They’re kidding, right?

But check out the page this guy now occupies. He’s two Brady Bunch squares away from Usama Bin Laden, and just one square from Ayman Al Zawahiri. And then when you check out his wanted page, it goes out of its way to point out the guy’s vegan.

Now, in any country with 300 million people, you’re bound to have some crazies who pose a threat to society. And I suppose there have got to be some native born Americans who deserve a place alongside the worst Al Qaeda has to offer. But this guy, a vegan dude who apparently hasn’t spilled a drop of blood, he’s the one American who deserves to be placed alongside Bin Laden? Come on.

America has no shortage of lunatic polygamous militia sects. No shortage of anti-government Neo Nazi white power yokels who would move heaven and earth to destroy the fabric of this nation. And I’ve got to tell you, if I were some bat shit crazy white power militia guy, right now I’d be feeling a little hurt.

Now I know I’m turning all of this into a joke, but it’s really the only way to address this insanity. It’s been known for a while that the FBI has a raging hard on for vegans. And I wonder how long it may be before the FBI comes after vegans who’ve condemned all forms of property destruction and violence.

The fact that the FBI considers Daniel Andreas San Diego to be in the same league as Bin Laden ought to kick off a national debate over what sort of people the FBI has decided to target. His inclusion on the most wanted terrorist list isn’t by chance — it’s a result of carefully thought out policy. So today’s news should worry the hell out of vegans and omnivores alike.

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